24-30 Pre Eclampsia and a Premature baby

At week 32 of my pregnancy i developed pre eclampsia after months of high blood pressure.They rushed me to theatre to prepare for birth.I remember my body would`nt stop shaking violently.They seemed concerned which made me worse,i think it was probably just nerves.They gave me an epidural which stopped my bottom half shaking but my top half shook for the whole birth.After she was born i kissed the top of her head and she was whisked away to neo-natal,i was`nt allowed down to see her for 36 hours because my BP was so high,all i had was a picture they bought me.When i was allowed down to her i was still not allowed to pick her up because she was being fed hourly through a drip and she was sick after every feed so she could`nt be moved.I desperately wanted to breast feed but because i could`nt pick her up i had to express,it did`nt work for me,i think my maternal instinct was not there because of the birth,i could not produce milk which made me feel like a failure.I tried for 3 weeks then gave up.It took ages for me to forgive myself for this even though it was`nt my fault.I know my bond with her was damaged in the first year which is something that angered me for a long time,but you can`t change the past you have to let it go.